Day 10: never turning back? #40daysto40

It doesn’t bother me that I’m getting older and I don’t mind talking about money (or, more often, the lack of it). This, I believe, is not culturally English. I’ve only lied my age before I was eighteen to get into nightclubs – and even then I wasn’t ID’ed until I was 26. I’ve been thinking about the idea of returning or looking back. Visiting places where I’ve lived, perhaps. Or considering Googling ex-partners to “see what they’re doing now and where they are”.

It is so tempting, so seductive. I think we mostly live in memory and through experience – even if there are plans made. I’m not sure whether we’re built to be “future” thinkers that can consistently live in the ‘then what’ rather than the now. (Not everyone, I recognise this is just conjecture.)

And then there are the roads not taken, the regrets, the choices we didn’t make, the things left unsaid or un-did.

And I know that there is no going back in my life to take back some of the crappy things I’ve said or done to others. That a “sorry” is neither desired or enough.

The past holding hands with the future.

And, in some respects, I’m nervous about the future. I’m nervous about the knackering impact that humans are having on this planet. I often find myself thinking about wildlife, in particular hedgehogs. Will we live to see the extinction of these mammals in England? And raptors – will we live to see an extinction declared on hen harriers in the next few years? I do hope not. I hope that the decline in other species can be slowed down, I do fear that it cannot.

And then I think of the human aspect again. I think of loss and the people that I would love to talk to again. To speak with. Some are dead, some are no longer in my life.

If someone asked me “what years would you ‘do again'” I have a vague idea, although they’d play out just the same into the years that I wouldn’t ‘do again’.

No returning.

Going forward.

Ebb and Flow

Being sad is strange. I find it tidal. It ebbs and flows.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the sea and about poetry. Not in a cheesy, clichéd, picture-postcard-perfect rendition. But in considering the ocean of the future. The ocean after ice melt.

And it’s big, and it’s scary.

Reading about the science, visiting the Scott Polar Museum in Cambridge. Going to a conference and hearing voices from the inuit communities who are already directly affected by climate change. I find it hard to wrap my head around it all. Being safe and dry in a rented house in Stockport, feeling powerless to affect change or do anything to help.

Feeling unable to do anything about climate change, about current local and global injustice. Feeling tired and trapped.

Trying to complete a book review, trying to write without feeling mentally paralysed, trying to fight fear of failure – or even success.

Trying.